Hot Air Balloon Ride

I had some understanding this morning as I meditated with the hot air balloon image she shared at peer group last week. The image was meant for me, given to her by the Spirit on my behalf. I knew when she shared the image that I would need time to sit with it and go on a virtual balloon ride in my mind. This morning I "pulled that image out" to go for a ride and see where it took me. I've wanted to do a real hot air balloon ride for a long time and never have so I went into that imaging meditation expecting to thoroughly enjoy it, sailing high above the world, at one with the breezes, peaceful, exhilerated. But very quickly the ride was different than I'd expected it to be. As I began going up in the balloon, I began to fear the landing, being dragged in the bucket on the ground, or dumped out, hurt in some way. I began to realize that I wouldn't even enjoy the sailing part for fear of the landing. I realized I would prefer to completely miss out on the "good stuff" for fear of what "might" happen in the end. I prefer to keep myself grounded.



It saddened me to realize that that's the way I've come to do life. I often don't attempt things I could probably do and even enjoy because the fear of failure or getting hurt overrides attempting. My peer told me that in her image of that balloon she saw it snagged in a tree. When I imagined myself caught in the branches of a tree, I felt relief...oddly enough. I didn't expect that. But there was relief in being safe momentarily from having to land and risk getting hurt. So, although I wasn't enjoying sailing peacefully through the air, I wasn't feeling fear of the impending landing either. It felt preferable to just remain snagged, stuck, safely tucked into a tree. It felt nice not to have to make the decision of whether to go up in the balloon or not. For that moment, stuck in a tree, I felt I had no control over the situation. Ahhh...and no responsibility. It didn't feel bad to be in limbo...(heh...LIMBo)



And that's where I am right now in my life. I feel stuck, not risking, not reaching out. I sense that this will be changing, so I am willing to sit with this stuckness and accept it for what it is right now. I am willing to finish the meditation with the images and thoughts of the others in the group...loving myself and accepting where I am. My friend asked me to also sit with who might be controlling this hot air balloon. I think my fear is.

"Are You Serious?"

Birthing has never been easy for me. Most mothers are with me on that one! It has been two years of every sort of emotion birthing my first children's book, "Are You Serious?" I have been excited, even elated, discouraged, even to the point of throwing the whole project out the window. And yet, here it is!

And I am struck with the idea that I am having some of the same feelings and reactions to this birth that I did with the births of my three biological children. Certainly there has been a measure of excitement. Yet that excitement has been coupled with a healthy dose of the reality that I must now "raise" this child of mine which, in this case means do my own marketing, promote my own work. This is sobering, much the way it was sobering to think that while I had successfully delivered each child, the real work, the work of a lifetime was dauntingly before me.

In order to promote this book, I have to have enough belief in myself to put it and myself "out there". I am not without pride in accomplishing this work. Yet it has been a pride coupled with humility. After all, I reason, certainly I think it was worthy of the work I put into it, but that doesn't automatically mean anyone else will see it that way. So, while I am proud of myself for seeing this project through to completion, it is now out there for the scrutiny and judgment of anyone who takes the time to peruse it. As long as the book or my children were still unpublic thoughts in my mind or lumps in my tummy, no one but me could judge them. Once made public, I must necessarily let go and realize that others will have judgments about that which is more than precious to me.

While these judgments in their negative forms are painful to endure sometimes, judgments in the positive are fun. But, as this book alludes to, neither judgment exclusively creates a template by which we can really see the truth. It is up to me to remember that the truth is subjective and elusive and always carries a balance. Books and children alike, once born, take on lives of their own that really have not much to do with me any more. To take myself out of the center of this creation is excruciating and life-giving.

As for the subject matter of this book, the concepts are near and dear to my heart, of course. With this book, I long to create waves of thinking, inspiration, change and awareness. I long to see it nurture and transform....not just kids, but adults as well. If this can happen...or should I be so bold as to say, WHEN this happens, my two years of labor will be worth all the fretfulness and self-doubt. And to be even more bold, despite any of my longings coming to fruition, the two years of labor has been worth it...period.