Sometimes things will happen in the course of a day that help me see myself more clearly than usual. Today's offerings made me realize that my current lifestyle is really not "normal". I lived a "typical" American day once upon a time, putting in many long hours. For years I couldn't imagine life without a break from being with people. First, after growing up in a household of 6 or 7 depending on who was there, I raised three kids and even homeschooled them for 7 years. On the very, very rare occasion that I was away from the kids, I was always with someone else and besides, I never had enough time away to not feel the footprint the kids left on me. I remember wondering if I would ever get enough sleep again.
And then I went back to work and put in twice as many hours as I was paid for mostly because I loved being a youth and young adult director that much. But again, I was rarely alone and indeed when all of this came to an end and I moved out of state, I began to live a lifestyle totally foreign to me. I have been living this way now for 8-1/2 years and what was once foreign is now so familiar I had to be jogged into realizing today that I live a life that most might find enviable, at least at first, but then perhaps depressing or even frightening. Most days I spend in relative silence. And I spend it alone.
That is not to say I am idle. I read, pray, meditate, write, draw, and journal almost every day all day. Occasionally I am gifted sitting with a spiritual directee, privileged to hear how another's lifestory is unfolding. It is much like being on retreat all the time. As on retreat I have learned to discipline my day to contain the structures of eating and doing basic household necessities. I rarely watch TV or listen to music, preferring the quiet. For awhile, in the beginning, I was tempted to consider this lifestyle frivolous and worth next to nothing. But more recently, I realize that there is great growth in a disciplined life of contemplation which is essentially what I am doing as I read books from authors like Rohr, Tolle, Myss, and Nouwen. I contemplate life as I reflect in writing such as what I am doing now or when I am creating artwork for a children's book or when I meditate to listen for the voice of God, Reason, All That IS and the Wisdom that comes because I am profoundly loved.
I am blessed to be able to do this. I am grateful beyond measure. I may not always be able to enjoy this lifestyle. Indeed, I feel the winds of change. For now, it is good.
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To me, at this point in my life, silence is just an empty space that needs to be filled. But then, the silence I speak of is the exterior silence. Those who know me best are aware that when I am in exterior silence, the noise in my head is the loudest.
ReplyDeleteI remember a key turning point my life: Moving out to an apartment by myself. I had lived "on my own" for a few years, but I always had roommates. The first night alone in my new apartment, I broke down. I ended up calling in a friend to ease that pain, but silence was a horrible thing that day.
Wow... I know that I haven't always craved silence now that you write this, Evan.... So distinctly painful in my memory is the first night in the apartment by myself. Myself and Juneau of course. I remember crumpling on the floor in pain and tears.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading what I wrote and as always, for sharing.