Trying Too Hard

Am I trying too hard? I have been trying to stay, at a very minimum, two steps ahead of myself, getting everything exactly right. I have needled people with questions designed to keep me in "the know". I have a back-up plan for my back-up plans. What drives me? Fear, of course. Fear of being out of control. Fear that I will be run over by life. Fear that I will be caught unaware.

Unaware. Interesting. I have made some amazing strides in becoming more and more aware and living more and more consciously these days, and yet here it is, larger and more consuming than ever it seems, this fear of being unaware. So am I really unaware or am I just aware of being unaware?

At home I have been living differently, facing the dark shadows within me, the places of my deepest unawarenesses. I turn toward my hunger, my anxiety, my blatant fear. In turning toward, rather than running from, I have been learning to befriend these long-carried shadows of mine.
Yet, here I am, in Maine, doing things foreign to my usual schedule and I have fallen back into old habits. I am overrun with anxiety which turns on the need to take back exorbitant control tactics, trying so hard not to drown.

But in trying so hard, I have tripped myself up. I passed out the night meds this morning. While this may not be the end of the world...I certainly hope it isn't the end of her world!...it does awaken me to what I am doing to myself.

Breathe. Meditate. Sigh loudly. For all is well. All manner of thing is well.