Cutting Cords

Looking back over the past eight months or so, I realized yesterday how much work I have done cutting the cords of unhealthy attachments in my life. I wrestled last January with letting go of my beloved Riverwind. Although I have not let go of the place physically I have emotionally. I am ready to sever ties with that land if there is no other solution but to do so. I never, ever thought it possible to be in this place. And yet, it is a place of such tremendous peace. I can truly say, “Whatever happens to Riverwind, it is well with my soul.”

A few months after that, I cut an unhealthy cord tying me to a family member. Years of hurt has caused me to respond with intense anger, judgment, and fear. To cut this cord has given me not only peace but an ability to deal more objectively and lovingly in situations involving this person. Though this person may not feel it, ironically the bond is stronger when the unhealthy cord is broken, because responses and decisions made in the relationship are now being made with the healthier cords of love. I am in a much better place now.

And recently it was necessary to look at cutting the thickest cord of the three; a parental cord. Having learned from this parent certain unhealthy ways to view and negotiate life issues, I had been traveling life’s roads carrying burdens far heavier than necessary. I unloaded some of these burdens. It will take time to navigate all aspects of my life without these well-learned and familiar patterns but already I feel lighter.

I am being purposefully evasive about details. But I can say that in all three cases cutting cords has been life-giving. It is as though I can breathe more deeply. I am freer to respond to life issues in more peaceful, thoughtful and loving ways rather than with my usual knee-jerk reactions. I took a very honest look at the places in my life where I have felt pinched by fear, squeezed by anger, and manipulated by illusions. These places have been telling me something and have been trying to get my attention for years. Why has my first reaction been anger or fear or grief or jealousy every time some specific thing happened? And why did I not see that these raw emotions themselves were red flags? I guess we just don’t see the patterns most familiar to us, either the “good” ones or the “bad”. But when I did take an honest look at these fears and angers, I realized what they were, where they came from, and the illusions they bore. I felt the grief, the fear, the anger involved in each of these three cases. And after I had spewed out all the dark, raw emotion I could feel, I awoke the next day knowing something had changed inside me.

It is difficult to move freely in life when we are tethered. A horse hasn’t much freedom when it is encased in tack. The animal is at the mercy of the driver or rider. I was at the mercy of the cords binding me. I responded to the demands of the emotional responses I have always had in certain family situations. I was no more than a horse being driven. Now I am free of tack and bridal. I have my own head. I am free to respond consciously. And can now take full responsibility for my actions.