Colonoscopy Meditation

Okay, I'll admit it. My ability to meditate myself out of anxiety is far from perfected. It helps but doesn't eradicate my angst and so I live with low-level worry a lot of the time, particularly this past week awaiting my second routine colonoscopy screening. The fact that my last screening five years ago showed me to be "clean as a whistle" didn't help relieve my anxiety. And the fact that my brother died of colon cancer only upped the ante. All said, I was bound and determined to remain faithfully anxious.

The prep wasn't as bad this time since they used a different method. In fact, I used the same brands of laxative my mother uses. I felt somewhat bonded to her during those twelve hours. Still, drinking 112 ounces of fluid in a ridiculously short span of time after pushing clear liquids all day long is not my cup of tea. Pun intended. I stared at my glass full of prep and offered the mantra, "you can do it..." over and over again until finally I had.

Arriving at the endoscopy center bright and early and having to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room only made my anxiety worse. Well, after all, who could blame me? The news droning on from the TV high in the corner of the room featured a story about all the medical mistakes that are made in this country but never reported. Geez Louise.

Finally it was my turn. I got checked in, donned my hospital gown, had my vitals taken, and was given a warm blanket. Then I was told I had another ten minutes or so to wait. Did I want reading material? Something in me said, "no". They turned out the light in my cubicle, pulled the curtain and left me alone. As I stared at the ugly-colored curtain (no offense), I decided to befriend my anxiety since that's all I had with me at the time.

I reasoned with it: look, last time I was fine and since then I've maintained an exemplary diet of plenty of ruffage. Anxiety didn't listen.

I pleaded with it: look, enough already! This isn't going to change the outcome, right? Anxiety would have nothing to do with me.

I even laughed at it: look, this is simply ridiculous. If I were facing brain surgery or something, then, okay, bring it on. But a routine colonoscopy screening? Anxiety didn't care.

Finally, I just sat there. I let all the extraneous noises of the clinic fade way, way in the background and I physically relaxed my muscles. It was the closest thing to meditation I had done all day. Soon the thought floated by me saying, "I'm scared of these test results." This thought was obviously not new. But it felt like there was something I wasn't seeing. Then, just behind it came thoughts loud enough that I wondered if anyone else had heard them, "Test results! That's it! I've ALWAYS been afraid of test results. School exams, drivers test, medical tests. But I've (almost) always done well. So why not now?" And with that, the anxiety began to leave me for the first time since I had scheduled this test. And guess what?

Everything came out all right in the end!